As someone who is only respected for my skills in a narrow area in computer science, I joined my school’s Computer Science CCA hoping to run for CCA president, to bring greater glory to the club and even greater glory to my resume.
On a fateful morning, my hopes of padding my resume with useless leadership points came crashing down when I was informed by my civics teacher that I had forgotten to submit the self-nomination form, and that they weren’t allowing any late submissions. Below is an account of my emotions.
Stage 1: Denial
When I first heard the news that I didn’t do the self-nomination form, I was in denial that it could have a lasting impact on my future. With how usually lenient my school is when it comes to letting people who are good at something do whatever they want, I really didn’t care. An apology letter should suffice. Right?
Stage 2: Anger
How could it be my fault that I did not submit the form?
I had inadvertently gotten used to deadlines being more of guidelines for anything non-academic in my school, so I expected the same for this form. After all, there isn’t anything inherent about deadlines that mandates they need to be met, all they do is give an easy reason to reject people. But why would anyone reject people on the basis that it’s submitted late, ceteris paribus?
Realising this, I immediately constructed a mental image of whoever that was handling this affair: a guy so pathetic in life that he would ruin the lives of students just for the power it makes him feel, hiding behind the “noble” reason that this would actually serve us well and teach us a “valuable lesson” about the “outside world”. My CT said that they can’t extend the deadline “to be fair to those who submitted on time”. Well, it’s unfair to the innocent members of the CCA who would no longer be served by someone as aMaZiNg and hUmBLe as myself.
Coping mechanism 101.
Stage 3: Bargaining
I realised that the chances of being elected were slim, and hence started bargaining with myself. I told myself that if I were to be elected, I would actually follow through my campaign promises. I mean, at this point, I would even settle for vice-chair. Chair position can go to some random loser I could just use as a figurehead...
Stage 4: Depression
Finally, I realised that none of what I proposed as a bargain makes any sense. I thought to myself: How will anyone know that I have legendary “leadership qualities” without being the CCA Chair? I felt famished that my insatiable appetite for power was unfulfilled. I felt despondent that my dreams of being the CCA Chair were ruined. I felt like I did not deserve any of this. Why is this happening to me?
Stage 5: Acceptance
Eventually, I accepted fate.
I realised that to go down this path of “leadership” would be going down the wrong path. To quote from a book, “What good does it do if you make it to the top, if by the time you get there, you are just another ‘leader’, another opportunist, another genial conformist, another mediocrity?”
I recall the time when I was first elected as the CCA Chair of the Infocomm Club in Y1-4. At that time, having spent 2 years prior in the club, I knew what I wanted to change, I knew what I found lacking, and I knew what I wanted to improve on. Yet, fast forward a year of my tenure, nothing really changed in the club. My ideals went largely unfulfilled, mainly because I didn’t even dare to try something new. I didn’t want to risk what others thought of me just to try to do things a new way. Eventually, I found my role as the CCA Chair ended up largely being sending out the venues every week, marking attendance, and doing nothing spectacular at all.
In the end, maybe power really does change people, and something as trivial as CCA leadership can change people’s goals and how they want to do things. Yet, I believe that there isn’t anything inherent about “power” and “leadership” that changes people, but just that the force of mediocrity may sometimes be too great to escape.
Leadership is not about the title. Leadership is about challenging the norms, making an impact, and leaving a legacy. Hopefully, I can experience some true leadership this time in JC, without the restraints of the title of “CCA Chair”.
Stages are based on five stages of grief.
Disclaimer: Parts of this story is exaggerated. I purposely painted myself in a bad light to give a huge contrast at the end (it’s a writing technique).
