The skies were clear and a gentle breeze brought cool air and the smell of grass into the compound. A handful of people walked through the meticulously landscaped gardens, admiring the stone installations scattered throughout the grounds. Despite being sandwiched between an arterial road and a secondary school, the atmosphere is tranquil, with little of the outside hustle infiltrating the quiet place. With such a description, one may think this is some therapeutic garden in a spa resort. No, this is Peck San Theng - a columbarium.
Family and friends are often shocked or surprised that I had fallen in love with a place so much associated with death. But what I see and experience in the columbarium is not the mourning of death, but the celebration of life. It saddens me to see the taboo of death casting a shroud over many of us, preventing us from fully experiencing the joys of life. This mindset is a challenge to the Singaporean society, something which we should strive to overcome.
Death is something inevitable that everyone will experience (later rather than sooner so why avoid this topic? A study conducted by SMU found that only 53 percent of Singaporeans were comfortable talking about it. Conversations about dying often turn awkward, ending in a hasty change of subject and leaving the core matter unresolved. Perhaps talking about it reminds us of the temporary nature of existence. According to psychologists, talking about death invokes fear, anxiety, and sadness, feelings we tend to avoid. As the common saying goes, “out of sight, out of mind”. Perhaps we want to fool ourselves into thinking death is still far away and we still have a later to talk about it. No one wants to think about it. No one wants to imagine not existing. No one wants to face the uncertainty that follows death, both for the deceased and their loved ones. We try to convince ourselves that these uncomfortable thoughts are avoidable.
Recent trends are promising, with the 53 percent figure in the SMU study having risen 17 points in the previous 5 years. But, there are still ingrained beliefs and mindset that prevent us from moving forward. Funeral facilities are mostly located in industrial areas, and burial sites, columbaria, and cemeteries are often located near forests away from public spaces. Once again, “out of sight, out of mind”. By pushing aside the topic of death and treating it as something we want to avoid, we inadvertently reinforce these dangerous sentiments, preventing us from embracing the inevitable. So when it comes, it comes hard.
It is impossible to predict what will happen towards the end of our lives. All we can do is prepare. But if we fail to have the appropriate conversations, we will find ourselves dealing with the difficult consequences. 77.7 percent of Singaporeans want to die at home, but only 26 percent do. Imagine spending your last few moments alone, in a cold, wretched hospital room, with not a friendly face to be seen. Or worse, imagine knowing that such a situation was preventable. Not only is spending your last moments in a familiar environment more comfortable, but palliative care experts have noted that fulfilling a loved ones wish to die at home helps caregivers experience a better bereavement process. This can only be achieved if we talk about end-of-life arrangements with our families and make clear what needs to be done. Otherwise, it only means more suffering for the dying and their family.
So how can we dispel the prejudices against this topic?
One of the only, and possibly easiest, things to do would be to talk about it. Speak to your parents, speak to your siblings, speak to your friends. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, I found that such conversations were important and created a sense of peace. Peace with myself, peace with my family, and peace with death.
Avoid turning to social media or other online means to advocate for this topic because this human issue requires a human touch. This requires the warmth of a friendly face, not shallow words on a cold screen.Studies have suggested that excessively sharing something on social media reduces the impact of the post and numbs the viewer to the message So I encourage you to have these conversations in person. Go meet someone face to face and talk to them. Hopefully, we will one day break free from the shackles of this taboo.
