I was very bored today and I don’t know what you do when you’re bored but today I decided to go search for the weirdest Greek/Roman Gods I could find.
10. Priapus: God of Male Genitals
First up, we have this guy. Oh my god, why does this exist? Look at him, I tried to censor the picture already, but it does not work because of how massive his godly gift is. Like, his godly gift is larger than his arm (pretty sure larger than both his arms put together). Help, I cannot even look at this picture without giggling immaturely. Just what the hell.
Apparently, he is the God of fertility, vegetables, nature, fruit, gardens and then there’s “male genitalia”. I mean, no shit. He was also apparently cursed by Hera to have “inconvenient impotence” and could not sustain an erection when the time came for intercourse, but otherwise would be stuck with a permanent erection.
The word “priapism”, which is a medical condition where the penis remains stuck erect, was named after Priapus. I cannot even.
STORY TIME!
Once upon a time, our main man, Priapus attempted to sexually assault the goddess Hestia (excuse me what). However, he was thwarted by an ass (no, not that kind of ass). The ass’ braying caused Priapus to lose his erection at the critical moment and woke Hestia (good job, ass). This horrific episode caused him to develop a deep and lasting hate of asses (what did I just write). Thus, people would kill asses in his honour because of his hatred for them.
Apparently Priapus also often wielded a sickle which he used to threaten thieves with castration (what about female thieves?). He would alternatively threaten thieves with sexual assault.
I think this god would be arrested if he were real.
9. Harpocrates: God of Silence and Secrecy
This kid is not even doing the shushing action correctly. You cover your lips with your finger, not point at your mouth. He looks like he’s asking his mum to feed him.
Apparently Harpocrates was born with lame legs. It’s good that the Greeks were inclusive in that sense I guess.
I read that Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of beauty, gave a rose to her son, Eros. And Eros gave this rose to Harpocrates so that the directions of the gods would be kept in secrecy. And thus, roses became associated with secrecy and banquet rooms in the middle ages were decorated with roses on the ceilings to remind everyone that everything shared in the room must be kept secret.
STORY TIME!
Well, I guess Harpocrates really shouldn’t have become the God of secrecy and silence because he was based on the Egyptian god Horus. Horus represented the newborn sun and the Greeks saw this and decided to steal a god from the Egyptians. They apparently legitimately copied the name “Horus” and adapted it to become “Harpocrates”. But I guess they must have been a bit dumb because they didn’t realise that the action the statue in the picture is making symbolises the Egyptian hieroglyph for “child” and assumed that it was a sign for “shut up”.
I have no clue what else Harpocrates does but I’m pretty sure he’ll never be as cool as Horus.
8. Akratos/Acratus/Acratopotes: God of Unmixed Wine
This guy has so many different ways to spell his name I’m pretty sure his parents were drunk when they registered their baby’s name. Anyways, as you can tell from the picture, he looks like an absolute chad, look at the way he’s pouring that wine. You know he has maximum rizz, look at that lady’s face of absolute amazement at the talent this man has to pour the wine like he’s pouring teh tarik.
Also, that tuba or whatever that’s holding the wine is absolutely massive, is he going to finish all that wine himself? True legend.
So, apparently the Greeks used to drink wine mixed with water, hence there exists a God of Unmixed Wine. He represents festive excess because as you can probably tell from the picture, he’s getting high as hell of that unmixed wine. He’s probably the kind of guy at a party who just keeps drinking and never collapses even though he’s already drunk out of his mind.
Anyways, do you drink your wine mixed with water, or are you a true chad like this dude?
7. Cymaites/Kyamites: God of Beans
I could not find a goddamn picture of this guy, but I guess that’s because nobody cares enough about the God of Beans, so I asked my friend to draw her interpretation of it.
Apparently, his name translates to “Bean-Man”. I hate beans but I think I already love this guy. He was not only the God of Beans, but more specifically, the god of a specific type of bean of the species Vicia Faba. He was also patron of the bean market because a bean market was located near his sanctuary. I wonder what his stories would be like.
HYPOTHETICAL STORY TIME!
It is a lovely day outside for bean trading at the bean market. A young ATHENIAN decides to go sell some beans today.
ATHENIAN La la la, I do love selling beans!
ROBBER Stop right there! Give me your beans now!
ATHENIAN What about my purse, please don’t take my purse!
ROBBER No, what? I just want the beans, boy.
ATHENIAN Oh, I guess I could sell you some beans…
ROBBER No, you don’t get it, I’m robbing you. See this knife, it means I’m robbing you.
ATHENIAN So you want me to give you my beans for free? I guess that’s fine as long as you don’t kill me.
KYAMITES, aka BEAN MAN appears.
BEAN MAN Hey! You can’t steal those beans from this young boy here!
ATHENIAN Oh no, it’s fine, it’s just a few beans, I can give it to him as long as he doesn’t kill me.
BEAN MAN begins throwing his beans at the ROBBER.
ROBBER What the hell, are you throwing beans at me? Where are these beans coming from?
BEAN MAN Take that!
ROBBER Wait, but I love beans, why are you giving me more beans? Who are you?
BEAN MAN I’m the God of Beans. And you can’t steal the beans from this child!
ROBBER But, you’re throwing these beans at me, what the hell? That’s enough!
BEAN MAN Leave now and never come back, or I’ll throw more beans at you!
ROBBER But I’m already so addicted to beans I need more! Throw more at me!
The End
6. Deipneus: God of the Preparation of Meals, specifically Bread-making
There is literally nothing on this guy, that’s how obscure he is. I asked my friend to draw this guy based on her imagination again. But he is the God of the Preparation of Meals and specialises in bread-making. His name means “dinner”. Yummy.
Anyways, the only thing I can find is that Matton and Keraon are similar gods. Matton is the god of kneading dough and Keraon is the god of mixing wine. I guess Keraon and Akratos wouldn’t get along well.
These gods frankly sound like the most useless gods ever. I don’t even know what to say.
I actually have like 5 more on this list, but I think this areticle is already quite long so I will save the other 5 for another time :)
Creds to Ying Kit for the last two drawings :)
